Did you just fall asleep on me? Not fucking fair. You should be falling asleep in my bed, next to me. Not falling asleep over the phone.

Sometimes I just want to stop existing. I feel like my life is a waste. I am way too young to feel like this. My life hasn’t even started yet. I just can’t help wanting to disappear. I can’t help feeling like this.

The thought of growing old scares me. The thought of the people around me growing old scares me more. The fact that one day I’m not going to be here scares me, but the fact that one day they won’t be here either — that’s horrifying.

I don’t like this. I really don’t. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like thinking these thoughts. I don’t like anything of what I’m feeling right now… and I don’t know how to make it stop. I just know that this hurts. What the hell is wrong with me? I was done with feeling like this, so why the hell do I still feel like this? Fuck.

I can honestly say that I am really happy with life right now. I am happy with myself. Not just content. Physically, mentally, emotionally happy. I can’t wait until next weekend! I can’t wait for a lot of things.

Now all I need is a job…

It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. Who am I to care what people think about me? About the way I look? About the way I dress? I’ve only got one life to live and it’s about time I start living it, for me. I am overly self conscious, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that my own worst enemy is myself. I have to love myself before I can expect anyone else to… but even then, the point is that I must love myself. I can be the person I want to be, do the things I want to do. I just have to stop holding back, stop fighting against myself. I’ve let this control me for far too long and I’m done. Really. Done.

“One thing is for sure, I would never go back to you. Never.”

I was going through some old posts of mine (reallllly old posts from years ago) and I came across this. I wrote that three years ago. Three years ago. In those three years, how many times have I gone back to you? More times than I remember. When in those three years did I lose myself? I don’t even know who I am anymore.

waking up next to another warm body will forever be one of my favorite things, alongside falling asleep in the arms of someone you care about. that’s definitely up there in my favorites too…

You told me you were sorry, but you kind of laughed as you said it. I don’t know if that’s because you didn’t mean it as much as I wanted you to mean it, or simply because you didn’t realize just how much you hurt me. You seemed really surprised when I told you just how hurt I felt, how much I hated that day, how I walked out of class crying because of what you said. You really had no idea how much you meant to me.

I don’t know what to think now, but all I know is that I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I felt so helpless, so stupid, so used. Not good enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for you, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t change how I feel, much less change how you feel about me. There will never be anything between us. I’ve accepted that. I just don’t know if this means that I should still be friends with you or just end it completely. You’re too much to let go, but maybe it’s for the best.

The only reason you’re making conversation is because I’m in town. You never ask me what I’m doing because I’m always three and a half hours away, and that’s too far from you for you to care.